Summer games: fantasy teams

Last night I was trying to explain the relative intellectual standings of various presidential economic advisors to a former philosophy student. This led me to try to compare various CEA heads to their equivalents in philosophic eminence, which didn't go very well since I don't actually know anything about philosophy.

It did, however, lead to a hilarious session in which we tried to imagine a Presidential Philosophy Advisor . . . and then a whole series of other advisors from disciplines not usually invited into the oval office.

President: Karbala has become a hotspot again. Time to reformulate Iraq policy. What should I do?

Chairman of the Council of Philosophical Advisors Mr President, let's imagine a universe composed of two identical blue spheres . . .

Chief Literary Advisor I think the first thing we need to establish is whether we are going to take a synchronic or diachronic approach to constructing our ways of knowing.

Art Historian General Do we have a withdrawal strategy for the artifacts in the Baghdad museum?

Presidential Sociology Liason Wasn't there supposed to be coffee at this meeting?

I invite readers and other bloggers to offer advice to the president in the jargon of their academic field. And remember: if it's on point, it's not funny.

Comments

This comment deleted for being off topic

Posted by noen | August 28, 2007 8:32 PM

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Posted by cs | August 28, 2007 9:02 PM

This comment deleted because it refers to an earlier deleted comment

Posted by Chris Vickers | August 28, 2007 9:23 PM

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Posted by noen | August 28, 2007 9:49 PM

Presidential libertarian adviser: I don't care so long as someone else has to do the fighting. And don't expect me to pay for it. One thousand dollars please.

Posted by Dr Zen | August 28, 2007 10:05 PM

This comment delted because it responds to an earlier deleted comment

Posted by J.R. | August 28, 2007 10:24 PM

The Sociology Liaison should probably say something like this:

"As Bourdieu taught us, neo-liberals' actions in Iraq have created a 'strong discourse' that conceptualizes the reproduction of social structures of domination, and the notions of linguistic habitus and symbolic violence can give us new insights about the dynamics of marginalization via hegemonic cultural productions and symbolic systems."

The Philosopher: "Imagine that this is taking place on Twin Earth, and after we then consider whether 'Karbala' functions as a rigid designator . . . ."

Posted by Stuart Buck | August 29, 2007 12:27 AM

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Posted by noen | August 29, 2007 1:19 AM

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Posted by K. Ron Silkwood | August 29, 2007 1:52 AM

This comment deleted because it references an earlier deleted comment

Posted by Patrick | August 29, 2007 8:08 AM

This comment has been deleted because it references an earlier deleted comment

Posted by szr | August 29, 2007 8:43 AM

This comment deleted for rampant trolling

Posted by david | August 29, 2007 9:03 AM

Secretary of Contemporary Art:

How about I build a giant puppy? Made of flowers?

Posted by Henry | August 29, 2007 9:21 AM

Presidential Esoteric Advisor: This comment deleted for being off topic

Posted by pregethwr | August 29, 2007 9:51 AM

Physics advisor: If we assume that Iraq is an infinite, frictionless plane...

Posted by Njorl | August 29, 2007 10:06 AM

Secretary of Film Studies:

First, we need to realize this isn't really about a military withdrawal! It's about the sled! Also, you need to light those troops better -- that camouflage is making them fade into the background.

Posted by Muskrat | August 29, 2007 11:10 AM

Political and policy advisor: We can exploit a national tragedy to ruthlessly pursue a geo-political agenda for which we have little public support, and we will brand anyone who speaks out against it as a terrorist-loving dirty traitor who forgot 9/11.

Oh wait....

Posted by szr | August 29, 2007 11:17 AM

Presidential Economic Advisor:

To model growth in Iraq, suppose we model function composed of capital, effective labor, and terrorism F(K,AL,T)....

Posted by Stanfo | August 29, 2007 11:32 AM

SZR, that comment doesn't merit deleting, but I am afraid it is not funny . . .

Posted by Megan McArdle | August 29, 2007 11:34 AM

Physics Advisor: Let us assume that Iraq is a sphere...

Posted by Andrew Lias | August 29, 2007 11:45 AM

Statistician-in-Chief:

If we take the average of the years 1979-2007, Saddam Hussein is still in power and there are no U.S. troops present (discarding outliers). Therefore, not only has the withdrawal already occurred, but the invasion never happened. Also, Seinfeld is still on. That Kramer! What a cutup!

Posted by Muskrat | August 29, 2007 11:52 AM

Film agent: You're in a bit of a doldrums right now. Why not try to shake things up, play against your public image? Try giving your next address in a vampire costume.

Stochastic modeling advisor: I propose a computer-driven, randomly generated sequential search for solutions.

Adobe Photoshop advisor: Let's see what happens when you turn everybody upside down and make them green.

Head chef advisor: Try brushing lightly with olive oil before resuming the war.

Tobacco industry science advisor: According to my calculations, there is no war in Iraq.

Posted by mk | August 29, 2007 12:15 PM

Presidential Astronomer: Can we keep the lights out at night?

Presidential Poker Advisor: How deep is their stack?

Chairwoman of the Romance Novelists Advisory Roundtable: Well, your really hot wife gets kidnapped by a handsome insurgent riding a camel ....

Chairman of Kitchen Academy: Today's secret ingredient: Dates!

Slashdot Council of Technical Advisors: Are they using Linux there?

Posted by ech | August 29, 2007 12:53 PM

"This comment deleted for rampant trolling

Posted by david | August 29, 2007 9:03 AM"

My pointing out the inappropriateness, and just not funniness, of "Karbala has become a hotspot again" as a premise for a joke is "rampant trolling"? And you people wonder why "conservative "humor"" is so consistently not humorous to regular people?

Posted by david | August 29, 2007 1:10 PM

Not Being The Worst President Ever Council Chair: Get out. Now.

Posted by david | August 29, 2007 1:21 PM

[This comment deleted for rampant trolling]

Posted by Piggy | August 29, 2007 1:35 PM

Oh c'mon, no one has gone for the low hanging fruit yet?

Classics advisor: Sorry I'm late with the coffee, guys.

Of course that'd work for just about all of the humanities but whatever.

Posted by NutellaonToast | August 29, 2007 2:08 PM

Comment Policy Czar: This comment deleted for being off topic

Posted by gorillagogo | August 29, 2007 2:56 PM

[Despite the cute name, this comment was deleted for rampant trolling ]

Posted by Rampant Troll | August 29, 2007 4:09 PM

Presidential Land Management Advisor: Don't we have a cloud of title on Iraq

Posted by blaine | August 29, 2007 5:39 PM

ooh. Can I be deleted too? Um, fascism or something.

Posted by d | August 29, 2007 8:17 PM

I'm really disappointed not to have been deleted. Bloody fascists!

Posted by Dr Zen | August 29, 2007 9:58 PM

Senior Intellectual Property Counsel: Yes Mr. President, in my opinion we will have a valid "fair use" defense against any infringement claim by McNamara's estate.

Posted by hiphiplawyer | August 29, 2007 10:30 PM

Actually, the Art Historian makes a very good point. Babylon was the place of the agricultural revolution, and many artifacts were destroyed by hooligans following the invasion because we neglected to protect them. It was a loss for humanity.

Posted by Robert | August 29, 2007 11:55 PM

This comment deleted for rampant trolling

Posted by Dan Abnormal | August 30, 2007 1:08 AM

This comment deleted for rampant trolling, terrible spelling, and complete unfunniness

Posted by Barry Bonds | August 30, 2007 2:35 AM

Presidential IT advisor: We need to refactor the US and Iraqi militaries into independent functional units, communicating via internationalized UTF-8 messages via a centralized database. If this is done, then I guarantee there's a 92.8% chance of a successful resolution to the war in somewhere between 6 and 14 years.

Posted by Gavin | August 30, 2007 11:05 AM

This comment deleted for rampant trolling

Posted by Fascism Rules! | August 30, 2007 12:01 PM

This comment deleted because I can't write crap when I'm deleting art

Posted by Whining Libertarians Always Get The Last Word! | August 30, 2007 1:03 PM

Third-Rate Law Professor, University of Tennessee: Torture the terra-rists.

Heh.

Indeed.

Posted by Len Grenolds | August 30, 2007 1:09 PM

Libertarian professor: Studies show that it is safer to live in Karbala than in Washington D.C. I have the research to prove it, except I lost it when my computer hard drive was accidentally destroyed.

Thank God the American Enterprise Institute will still hire me.

Posted by Mary Rosh | August 30, 2007 6:16 PM

This comment deleted for being way less amusing than the poster thought it was

Posted by commie atheist | August 30, 2007 7:19 PM

Cabinet maker: Do you want your pony with wheels, or rockers?

Posted by fcc | September 1, 2007 7:32 PM

As an Anthropologist, I am compelled to point out the existence of the various "cargo cults" which existed in the aftermath of American presence on a number of south pacific islands in the WWII years.

This presence brought a number of swell things to the islanders (coca-cola!), and when they left, some islanders felt that their return could be induced by re-creating the conditions under which they had arrived.

So airstrips were laboriously maintained, and "airport towers"-- consisting of a rickety edifice with a dummy in a coconut-shell set of headphone-- were erected.

And they did, and they waited.

As you may recall, this effort was echoed in the "Field of Dreams" story, in which an Iowa farmer was compelled to "build it, and he will come."

And he did, and he waited.

Which brings me at last to the President of the United States, who apparently suffers from the same pathology.

He believes with all his heart that he can invade a sovereign nation and depose its leader, and that as a result a US-friendly democracy will somehow result.

Putting aside for the moment the fact that he's killed more than a million Iraqi civilians in the process, I'd like to know why you, like the cargo cultists who came before you, think that this is a realistic foreign policy.

Posted by Chris Vosburg | September 2, 2007 1:18 PM

Please, take your time. I am a patient man.

Posted by Chris Vosburg | September 2, 2007 1:36 PM

Presidentin' Religion Advisor: Put your hand on the Bible and repeat after me: "I know the Lord and he has revealed the truth to me." That'll be $27.05 for the gilt-edged Bible and the Jesus smiting the gays wall plaque. Plus shipping and handling. Act now!

Posted by Dr. BDH | September 4, 2007 12:40 AM

Good site! I'll stay reading! Keep improving!

Posted by Doe | November 10, 2007 2:45 AM